Theory 41... The Junk Email Theory

Junk email can be very frustrating! NO... I am not talking about SPAM... thankfully SPAM has become less of a problem lately.... most people now days use Gmail or MSN or Yahoo... and those email programs seem to do a pretty good job of filtering out any email with the words "enlargement" or "cheap software" in the subject line. Remember the glory days back in 2002 when you had to sort through about 30 spam emails per day... we've sure come a long way since then!

Junk mail... on the other hand... has become a huge problem over the last 2-3 years (particularly since the rise of YouTube). It is very different from spam... because it comes from your own FRIENDS. Usually it originates from the funny guy at the office or the obnoxious in-law who has a job with plenty of down time. In many ways JUNK MAIL is more problematic than SPAM because you might actually be tested on the content. What do you say when your cousin asks you if you read her special spiritual thought? What about that co-worker who wants to know if you enjoyed that awesome email of the drunk guy trying to skateboard off a roof? How do you politely tell your brother, mother, father, boss, in-law, or partner that you don't have the time (or patience) to read a 7-paragraph-long joke about Hillary Clinton.

For years I have had a longstanding rule: JUNK EMAIL better be AWFULLY FUNNY and VERY SHORT before I will consider forwarding it onto my family, friends, and associates. For this reason, I usually forward less than 5 junk emails per year. I am now morphing my longstanding rule into a new theory.... AVID JUNK EMAIL SENDERS SHOULD START A BLOG... if it's good enough to pierce the privacy of a persons inbox... you may as well just post it online for everyone to see.

Yesterday I received a junk email that passed the threshold.... So I have decided to post it here on this blog rather than disturb anyone. I found it rather funny. Enjoy...

Theory 40... The Psychology of Sales and Suckers Theory

Psychology in the world of sales and marketing is very real. Much of my career thus far has been spent crafting marketing and advertising strategies for various different companies. One thing I can tell you... PEOPLE WANT TO FEEL LIKE THEY'RE GETTING A GOOD DEAL... if you can create an marketing strategy that makes people feel like they're getting a good deal... you can generate a lot of business. Certain companies do a very good job at this.... consider...

Companies like Verizon, Coca-Cola, Apple, McDonald's, & RC Willey (local) do a superb job of building their brand... in most cases their advertisements focus not on price, but rather the value or quality of the product or service being offered. This is known as “pull marketing”. Ultimately consumers associate the given brand with value and will pay a reasonable price for the product or service.

Other companies use “push marketing” tactics by focusing on price, incentives, or coupons. Car companies are notorious for doing this... especially on the local level... Larry H. Miller would much rather tell you about the $2500 rebate or “red tag sale” then he would about the quality of service at his dealerships.

Ultimately the goal in advertising, is to tell the story... over and over... until people believe the message... and it becomes embedded in their mind. Once the message is lodged in peoples minds... it becomes a powerful force that is extremely hard to reverse (regardless of whether or not it's true).

There are a handful of companies that have such a superb reputation... or do such an amazing job of MAKING PEOPLE FEEL LIKE THEY'RE GETTING A GOOD DEAL... they're marketing efforts become almost spontaneous. These businesses hardly need to advertise at all.... because people just naturally feel like they're getting a GREAT DEAL all the time.

IKEA instantly comes to mind... people are drawn like zombies to the Scandinavian Big Blue Box. IKEA could instantly double the price of everything in the store and people would still be lining up for meatballs, chocolate, and cheap furniture.

Of course, CRAIGSLIST also comes to mind... Remember those psychedelic 3D posters that were popular back in the mid 90's... the one's where you would stare at them with your eyes cross for about 5 minutes... then all the sudden a subliminal 3D object would appear.... well... Craigslist reminds me a lot of those posters.... it's such an ugly utilitarian web site, I am almost certain Craig Newmark (founder of craigslist) has coded in some subliminal message behind all those blue links... if you stare at your screen long enough with your eyes crossed you'll discover a message that reads.... “Junk for sale at amazingly high prices”.

I permanently gave up as a BUYER on Craigslist a few months ago after my wife had me run across town to investigate a used stroller... like most everything else I've found on Craigslist, it was overpriced and reeked with cigarette smoke.

Yet as a seller on Craiglist I've had some incredible luck. 3 years ago my wife and I sold every last piece of furniture in our Washington DC apartment on Craigslist before we moved back to Salt Lake City. We even sold a book stand for$25... the same price we paid for it a year earlier at Target. Just a couple of weeks ago, I sold my used Ipod Nano on Craigslist for $150... some poor guy drove over 50 miles from Tooele to my house in a snow storm to buy my used Ipod Nano when he could have purchased a brand new one for less than $20 more... all the while saving him the time, gas money, and giving him the option of picking his own color.

Thinking back I almost feel guilty selling my Ipod to that poor guy... then I remembered an old Murphy's Law... “IT'S MORALLY WRONG TO ALLOW SUCKERS TO KEEP THEIR MONEY”. My theory? At the end of the day WE ALL TAKE TURNS BEING THE SUCKER.

Theory 39... The Just Another Manic Sunday Theory

Yesterday was a glorious day. Sunday reclaimed itself as the best day of the week. For over a year, Sunday had been running in the middle-of-the-pack... certainly better than Monday, but far behind Friday and Saturday. So why has Sunday vaulted back to it's rightful place... at the top of the list? My theory is that happiness on Sunday is directly correlated to the START TIME of church.

For the past year my family has been fighting the good fight... going to church that starts at 1:00pm and finishes at 4:00pm. It's been a losing battle all the while... as the toddler warriors rebel against their hopeless parents during the miserable struggle that occurs during their normal nap time. Over the course of the past year we've tried every tactic possible to get our kids to sit quietly through church... crayons... stuffed animals.... Lucky Charms... all to no avail.

For a few weeks this past Fall I thought I might have turned the tide... When my 2-year-old daughter got fussy... I would take her out into the foyer and we would play a little game.... searching the entire church for every picture of Jesus. The tactic worked for a 3-4 weeks, until she memorized where all the pictures were... then became a race where I would chase her around the building as she yelled out "Daddy there's another Jesus".

Everything came to a head about 3 weeks ago... both of our kids were SO FUSSY after sacrament meeting... we had no choice but to surrender and take them both home to bed. The kids won!

It's amazing how different Sunday can be when church starts at 9:00am. This week we had no trouble getting to church on-time (helps when the kids aren't so fussy). For the first time in a year I am proud to say we actually scored ourselves a cushioned pew... I had almost forgotten what they felt like... for some reason I just don't feel the spirit as well when I am sitting on a cold metal chair in the overflow! Now don't get me wrong.... church wasn't exactly a cake-walk (I think I'm still several years away from that), but it was nice to have at least some sanity left in me by the time church ended at noon...

Plus... I must say... the post-church enjoyment factor increases by a factor of 50 when you have time to read the newspaper, take a nap, watch some football, and still have time left over to help your wife mash the potatoes as she prepares Sunday dinner. I can feel my testimony growing again!

Theory 38... The Holidays Aren't Over Theory

The Christmas lights may be down, all of your mediocre gifts may have been returned, and your New Years Resolution might already been broken... but the holidays aren't over just yet...

It's my long standing belief (theory) that the holiday season doesn't officially end until the COLLEGE FOOTBALL NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME has been played.. and that's TONIGHT.

Each year I host a party on the night of the college football national championship... it's always a lot of fun. Tonight... me and few of my friends will hopefully celebrate the last little bit of yuletide spirit by watching the sweater vest go up in flames... GO LSU.

Theory 37... New Years and the Forbidden Factor Theory

Growing up I always associated NEW YEARS EVE as the one evening it was alright to BREAK THE RULES. The whole evening had sort of a FORBIDDEN FACTOR to it... as a young kid (9 or 10 years old) I remember how cool it was (and how hard it was) to stay up until MIDNIGHT... way past my childhood bedtime of 8:00pm (oh how I wish I still had the luxury of going to bed at 8:00pm!) Even as a teenager... I remember my parents being much more liberal with the rules on New Years Eve.... even my Mom (the curfew Nazi) seemed to slacken up a bit on Dec. 31.

As an adult... the FORBIDDEN FACTOR is long gone... New Years Eve is simply a fun dinner party complete with friends, fondue, sparkling grape juice, and Settlers of Cataan. MY THEORY: Wouldn't it be great if New Years Eve still had some sort of FORBIDDEN FACTOR for us adults? For just one night.... wouldn't it be AWESOME if we had a few extra freedoms to take advantage of.... before we all wipe the slate clean and start the new year afresh?

No I'm not talking about anything morally reprehensible... and I'm not suggesting Las Vegas become the official sponsor of New Years Eve (What happens on New Years... stays on New Years). All I'm suggesting is how cool it would be if the powers-that-be cut us some slack... perhaps NO SALES TAX on Dec. 31 or maybe a law that ALLOWS FOR ALL TYPE OF ILLEGAL FIREWORKS... it sure would be fun to still have the FORBIDDEN FACTOR on New Years!